Dear Universe: My Public Diary

It's been 5 years since I began this journey of inner healing and self-discovery. In those five years I have felt an array of emotions. Anger, joy, pride, gratitude, loneliness, and deep sadness. Most of my life, I've silenced my feelings. Well, I felt them, I just kept them on the inside because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone with my feelings. 

You see, I grew up feeling like a burden to others. My solution? Keep quiet, don't stir the pot, don't be seen. The voice inside my head constantly reminding me that no one cared about my thoughts, my feelings, if their words or actions hurt me, or really about my existence at all. It's an interesting place inside the mind of someone who is unknowingly tapped into her intuition - with an inner knowing she is destined to be someone, to do something, that life was greater than what was being experienced. Yet, at the same time, carrying that critical inner voice with you telling you that you could disappear from this planet and not a soul would care. 

Thankfully I'm a fighter: Growing up without a father, knowing that he knew I existed, but I was the child that he couldn't be bothered to care about, despite him being a father to his other children. Being raised by a single mom who was just doing her best to provide for myself and my brother, but also had her own healing that needed to be done. Unfortunately, I don't think there was a space for our parents to be aware of their traumas and to heal them. Losing my grandma when I was just 7 years old (I'm pretty sure that was the age). This shook me hard. I saw my grandma like another mother, and losing her was and is something that deeply affects me to this day, but I'm working through it.

I've experienced loss, abandonment, lies, cheating, and other things I've never shared with a soul...and through all of it I have come out on top. As much as I hate the pain that comes from these experiences, they have shaped me into the woman I am. Yes, that DOES mean I have to address the wounds these moments have created, but it also means they have made me a warrior. It would be easy to play the victim to what I've experienced, to throw in the towel and just say "it is what it is," but that's not me. I was built to stand in the face of adversity and say "I got this!" Knock me down and I WILL get back up and keep swinging. Perhaps this causes some issues because sometimes I just don't know when to quit and walk away, but I'm working on that too. 

As we begin this new year, I'm reflecting on the past. How far I've come. How much I have built for myself. How much I have made peace with. I look to the future and I am excited for what's to come. I know I still have so much more healing to go through - it is a lifelong experience, after all. However, seeing how much I have grown, how much more peace I carry within, and how much more ME I feel after these past five years, I welcome the healing process. I know that with each tear shed, clarity is made. Through every painful reflection, I see what I was truly seeking and how to meet the needs of my inner child so that I no longer seek outside of myself for those things. 

They say "New Year, New ME," but I'm not looking for a new me. I'm seeking the REAL me. The version of me that was always there, ready to shine and be great. I've already met her, I've let her shine little by little. Each day I become more and more her. So, it's not "new year, new me." It's NEW YEAR, REAL ME! Because the real me is a warrior. She is fierce. She is thoughtful, loving, a healer to those around her. She seeks to better this world through teaching others just how great they are too. The real me wants every woman to know she is loved, she is perfect as she is, and she is absolutely beautiful and worthy of the very best. 

If going through what I had to go through was necessary for me to be able to be a light and beacon of love to the women around me, then I wear these stripes with pride.

Happy New Year - it's a year of truth and transformation. It's time to shine.